--- title: Understanding Your Child's Diagnosis — Emotional Regulation & Co-Regulation scope: These cover the complementary question of what to teach and reinforce once a child is calm. covers: - diagnosis - adhd - autism not_covered: [] sources: - 20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation last_updated: '2026-09-20' token_estimate: 2171 parent: https://fwmparents.org/resources/understanding-your-childs-diagnosis/index.md --- # Understanding Your Child's Diagnosis — Emotional Regulation & Co-Regulation **Core concepts:** - Behavior is the **tip of the iceberg** — underneath a meltdown may be sensory overload, hunger, fatigue, communication difficulty, loss of control, or limited regulation skills. Ask "What is this behavior telling me?" instead of "How do I stop this behavior?" — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - **Upstairs brain / downstairs brain** (from [*The Whole-Brain Child*](https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/)): the upstairs brain (frontal lobe) handles logic, planning, and flexibility; the downstairs brain (brainstem) handles survival. An overwhelmed child drops into the downstairs brain and loses access to reasoning — which is why logic and lectures don't land mid-meltdown. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - **Stressors vs. relievers:** stressors drop the nervous system into survival mode fast (like a zip line); relievers bring it back slowly (like climbing stairs). Stressors accumulate all day — without relievers, anyone can end the day in survival mode. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - **Children rely on external regulation longer than most adults expect:** STAR Institute course material illustrates internal regulation at roughly 30% at ages 3–7 and about half at ages 7–13 — and children with autism or other developmental differences often rely on external regulation considerably longer, so meet the child where their regulation skills actually are. Even healthy adults are never 100% internally regulated. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - **Co-regulation** "is what we do for our children before they can do it for themselves" (Dr. Becky Kennedy, [*Good Inside*](https://www.goodinside.com/book/)) — staying present, calm, and responsive so the child feels safe, seen, and supported. Its three foundations: connection, safety, and leaning into the child's strengths. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - Regulation is contagious in both directions (Chloe used **mirror neurons** as the picture for this): a child's tantrum can pull you into frustration, and your calm gives their nervous system a model to mirror. The adult's regulation becomes part of the child's regulation. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - The Shape of Joy's **five key influences** on each person's nervous-system profile — basic needs, sensory input, relationships, predictability, unique wiring — each holding stressors and relievers. Mapping your own and your child's makes meltdowns predictable instead of mysterious. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* **Practical co-regulation strategies:** - Pause and **regulate yourself first** (deep breath, drink of water, tap in/tap out with a partner) — the most important strategy, because children mirror the adults around them. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - **Use your body as a tool:** crouch to eye level with open posture and a soft tone instead of standing over a dysregulated child with crossed arms. Use fewer words — teaching can wait until regulation returns. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - **Check basic needs first** (hungry, tired, bathroom, pain), validate the emotion, keep routines predictable, and offer choices to restore an appropriate sense of control. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - Use **"I wonder…" statements** ("I wonder if you weren't finished yet") to give the child language without interrogating — then, once calm, teach the replacement skill ("You can tell me 'I'm not done yet'"). — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - **Co-regulation does not remove the boundary** — connect and validate first, then redirect and hold the limit ("Engage, Don't Enrage" / "Connect and Redirect", from *The Whole-Brain Child*). — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* **Books & courses:** - [*The Whole-Brain Child* by Siegel & Bryson](https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/) — Chloe suggested it as the most accessible starting point; source of "upstairs/downstairs brain," "Engage, Don't Enrage," and "Connect and Redirect." — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [The Shape of Joy online course](https://www.theshapeofjoy.com/) (Kelly Reardon / Playabilities) — caregiver course on emotional regulation, stressors, and relievers; Chloe shared a promo code with the group; contact FWM for it. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [*Good Inside* by Dr. Becky Kennedy](https://www.goodinside.com/book/) — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [*No-Drama Discipline* by Siegel & Bryson](https://drdansiegel.com/book/no-drama-discipline/) — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [*Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors* by Robyn Gobbel](https://robyngobbel.com/books/) — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* **Books & resources suggested by other parents during Q&A:** These cover the complementary question of what to teach and reinforce once a child is calm. - [*Parent Training for Disruptive Behavior: The RUBI Autism Network, Parent Workbook*](https://academic.oup.com/book/28745) by Bearss, Johnson, Handen, and colleagues (Oxford University Press, 2018) — the workbook used in the RUBI program, for families who want the material without waiting for a cohort. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [*Optimistic Parenting: Hope and Help for You and Your Challenging Child*](https://digitalcommons.usf.edu/books/40/) by V. Mark Durand (Brookes, 2011) — written for parents of children with disabilities: figuring out what a behavior is for, teaching a replacement, and managing the parent's own self-talk. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [*Functional Behavior Assessment for People with Autism: Making Sense of Seemingly Senseless Behavior*](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1606132040) by Beth Glasberg and Robert LaRue (Woodbine House, 2nd ed., 2015) — a plain-language guide to observing patterns, forming a hypothesis about why a behavior happens, and testing it before intervening. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [*The Power of Positive Parenting*](https://archive.org/details/powerofpositivep00lath) by Glenn Latham (1994) — a short, practical book on the reinforcement side: catching the child being good, ignoring minor misbehavior, staying calm and consistent; free to borrow from the Internet Archive. — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* - [Practical Functional Assessment](https://practicalfunctionalassessment.com/) — Gregory Hanley's site, with free parent-facing videos and articles on skill-based treatment: teaching a request like "I'm not done yet," honoring it, then teaching tolerance for "not right now." — *[Chloe Strohm, Sep 2026](https://fwmparents.org/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/notes.md)* --- [Resource index](https://fwmparents.org/llms.txt) · [Topic index](https://fwmparents.org/resources/understanding-your-childs-diagnosis/index.md) · [Full resources page](https://fwmparents.org/resources/) · [Comprehensive guide](https://fwmparents.org/comprehensive-guide.md)