---
date: "2026-09-20"
speaker: "Chloe Strohm, OTR/L"
organization: "Playabilities"
topic: "Foundations of Development & Emotional Regulation"
blurb: "Chloe Strohm, OTR/L, Clinical Director at Playabilities, walks through the foundations of child development and emotional regulation: the five areas of development, behavior as the tip of the iceberg, the \"upstairs brain\" and \"downstairs brain,\" stressors vs. relievers, how much regulation children can realistically do on their own at each age, and practical co-regulation strategies caregivers can use at home."
---

# Chloe Strohm - Foundations of Development & Emotional Regulation

**Date:** 2026-09-20
**Organization:** Playabilities

> Chloe Strohm, OTR/L, is an occupational therapist and the Clinical Director at Playabilities, a pediatric therapy clinic in the Kansas City area. Her presentation, "Foundations of Connection: Understanding Behavior, Communication, and Development," covers the foundations of child development and behavior, tools for understanding a child's unique wiring, and strategies for supporting emotional development and resilience through co-regulation.

*These are FWM's notes summarizing Chloe's presentation for educational purposes. Any errors are ours, not hers. Chloe spoke in a general educational capacity. They are not medical, therapeutic, educational, legal, or insurance advice, nor an endorsement of any provider, clinic, product, or program; talk with your child's own providers about what fits your child. Questions from the session are summarized without attribution. Worked examples below are the teaching examples from the presentation's slides.*

## Notes from September 20th - Chloe Strohm - Foundations of Development & Emotional Regulation

- Chloe graduated from the University of Missouri in 2018, has been with [Playabilities](https://playabilities.org/) since 2019, and has been Clinical Director since 2025. Her talk was titled "Foundations of Connection: Understanding Behavior, Communication, and Development."
- Her passion as an OT: understanding each child's individual "wiring" (and the caregiver's wiring) to bridge that relationship and empower caregivers to support their child in the clinic, at home, at school, and in the community.

#### Objectives of the session

- Understand basic concepts of child development
- Understand the foundations of behavior
- Learn tools for identifying a child's unique wiring
- Gain strategies for supporting emotional development and resiliency
- Understand how OTs, SLPs, and PTs can support development

### The Five Areas of Development

Chloe organized child development into five interconnected areas, a therapy-practice framework that expands on the four domains in the [CDC's developmental milestones](https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones/index.html), which she also cited:

#### 1. Motor development

Five subcategories:

1. **Gross motor:** bigger whole-body movements: running, jumping, climbing
2. **Fine motor:** precise, smaller movements: pointing, writing, cutting, tying shoes
3. **Visual motor:** how vision and movement work together
4. **Oral motor:** mouth movements that support talking, breathing, chewing, swallowing
5. **Sensory processing:** how the nervous system takes in sensory information and produces a motor response: how clothing feels, why some sounds comfort and others alarm, staying upright against gravity. Chloe emphasized that sensory processing is a large field in its own right, with extensive dedicated professional training behind it.

#### 2. Cognitive development

Attention, memory, perception, problem solving and reasoning, executive function, concept formation and categorization, metacognition, creativity and imagination.

#### 3. Language & communication

Three parts:

1. **Receptive language:** understanding words, gestures, and directions (hearing "please raise your hand" and doing it)
2. **Expressive language:** using words and gestures (asking someone to speak louder)
3. **Pragmatics / social communication:** using language in social context (saying "your turn" while handing over a game piece)

#### 4. Social & emotional development

Knowing about emotions, how they impact us, regulating them across environments, and learning to interact with others. This was the focus of the evening.

#### 5. Adaptive & self-help skills

Three groupings:

1. **Taking care of one's body:** bathing, brushing teeth, eating, dressing
2. **Taking care of one's things:** chores, organizing personal belongings
3. **Taking care of one's day:** routines, understanding time, safety awareness, money management

### Development Is Interconnected

A single "simple" skill involves many developmental systems at once. Example: a toddler learning to climb stairs.

- Motor: moving the legs, holding the railing or a caregiver's hand
- Sensory processing: the vestibular (balance) system keeping the body upright and aware of where it is in space
- Cognitive: sequencing the steps (step up, hold on, step again)
- Language: listening to "hold on tight," saying "look at me!" to share the experience
- Social/emotional: pride at success, frustration when it's hard
- Adaptive: stairs at home, at school, climbing into the car seat, a step toward independence

### Behavior as an Iceberg

- The behavior adults see (crying, screaming, hiding, throwing, refusal, meltdowns) is only the **tip of the iceberg**.
- Underneath, per Chloe's slide, sit the developmental areas above plus sensory preferences and the child's unique wiring. Everyday examples: sensory overload, hunger, fatigue, communication difficulty, fear, loss of control, difficulty transitioning, or limited emotional-regulation skills.
- Playabilities' clinical starting point is that children aren't trying to be difficult: they're doing the best they can with the skills their nervous system has available. Behavior is information: an opportunity to investigate what is happening underneath the surface, not simply intentional misbehavior.
- Kelly Reardon, founder of Playabilities and creator of *The Shape of Joy* parent resource (quoted on Chloe's slides): "When we see behaviors on the surface, it's a clue to what's going on in their nervous system. Something in their world is too much to handle, and as adults, it's our job to help them navigate it."

### The "Upstairs Brain" & The "Downstairs Brain"

- Terms introduced by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, authors of [*The Whole-Brain Child*](https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/):
    - **"Upstairs brain"** (frontal lobe): sound decision-making, planning, logic, reasoning, flexibility, safe choices. *The Shape of Joy* calls this the **Optimal Shape of Joy Zone**, where we're the best version of ourselves.
    - **"Downstairs brain"** (brainstem): survival functions such as fight-or-flight, breathing, heart rate, sensory memories, automatic body functions. *The Shape of Joy* calls this the **Survival Zone**.
- Between the two is a space where we can **build resilience**.
- When children become overwhelmed, they lose access to "upstairs brain" skills like reasoning, problem-solving, and flexibility, which is why logic and lectures don't land mid-meltdown.

#### Further reading: where these terms come from

*Editor's note (FWM, not part of the presentation): the background below is our own, not something Chloe or The Shape of Joy cited.*

- "Upstairs brain" and "downstairs brain" are Siegel & Bryson's own teaching terms, coined in [*The Whole-Brain Child* (2011)](https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/).
- The layered model behind them is Paul D. MacLean's **triune brain** (NIMH), proposed in the 1960s and fully stated in *The Triune Brain in Evolution* (1990). MacLean described three layers stacked in evolutionary order: the reptilian complex (brainstem, basal ganglia: instinct, survival), the limbic system (emotion), and the neocortex (reasoning). Siegel & Bryson collapse these into two floors. Summary: [The Triune Brain: Three Brains Attempting to Work as One](https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/post/triune-brain-three-brains-attempting-work-one) (Psychotherapy Networker).
- Related but separate: Daniel Kahneman's **System 1 / System 2** from [*Thinking, Fast and Slow* (2011)](https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555/), built on his heuristics-and-biases research with Amos Tversky from the 1970s ([Tversky & Kahneman (1974), Judgment under Uncertainty: Heuristics and Biases, Science 185(4157), 1124–1131](https://doi.org/10.1126/science.185.4157.1124)). This is a model of cognition (fast and automatic vs. slow and deliberate), not brain anatomy.
- Though recent work questions some of MacLean's model, it remains a useful teaching metaphor similar to how Kahneman used it. See [Cesario, Johnson & Eisthen (2020), Your Brain Is Not an Onion With a Tiny Reptile Inside, Current Directions in Psychological Science 29(3), 255–260](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0963721420917687).

### Stressors vs. Relievers

- **Stressors** push the nervous system from the "upstairs brain" toward survival mode, and the drop can happen very fast, like a zip line down.
- **Relievers** (also called tools or strategies) help the nervous system climb back up, but returning takes much longer, like climbing stairs back up after the zip line.
- Stressors accumulate through the day. Without relievers along the way, even someone who woke up regulated can end the day in survival mode.

### Internal vs. External Regulation by Age

- **Internal regulators** come from within: self-talk, breathing, sensory strategies, mindfulness, a drink of water, chewing gum, seeking quiet, reading, drawing, music.
- **External regulators** come from outside: a trusted adult, physical comfort, dimmed lights, calm music, reduced sensory input, predictable routines, visual schedules.
- Chloe shared pie graphs from a professional course she took through the STAR Institute in 2024, showing how heavily children rely on external regulation, for far longer than many adults expect:

| Age band | Internal regulation | External regulation |
|---|---|---|
| 0–2 | ~10% | ~90% |
| 3–7 | ~30% | ~70% |
| 7–13 | ~50% | ~50% |
| 14–19 (high school) | ~60% | ~40% |
| Adults | never 100% | always some |

Source: Foundations of Development course, STAR Institute (2024). Age bands are as labeled on the slides. Bands are reproduced exactly as printed on the slides, including the overlap at age 7. The 3–7 and 7–13 figures were stated in the talk; the 0–2 and 14–19 values are approximate readings of the pie charts (see the graphs below).

*Editor's note (FWM, not part of the presentation): these percentages are illustrative teaching estimates from STAR Institute course material; the primary study is not identified. The same normative shift from caregiver co-regulation to self-regulation, including the point that even adults never reach 100%, is described conceptually (without numeric percentages) in [Murray, Rosanbalm, Christopoulos & Hamoudi (2015), OPRE Report #2015-21](https://acf.gov/sites/default/files/documents/report_1_foundations_paper_final_012715_submitted_508_0.pdf) and [Rosanbalm & Murray (2017), Co-Regulation from Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief, OPRE Brief #2017-80](https://fpg.unc.edu/sites/fpg.unc.edu/files/resources/reports-and-policy-briefs/Co-RegulationFromBirthThroughYoungAdulthood.pdf).*

- These figures reflect neurotypical developmental expectations. Chloe noted that children with autism or other developmental differences often rely on external regulation considerably longer, so the useful question is what your child's regulation skills actually are right now, not what a chart says for their age.
- Ages 0–2: almost entirely external: rocking, shushing, patting, feeding, calm music, dim lights. Early internal strategies: thumb sucking, shifting gaze, bringing hands to mouth.
- Ages 3–7: young children rely heavily on trusted adults for co-regulation; per the course material, the course material puts internal regulation at roughly 30% at this age.
- Ages 7–13: about half. This is the age Chloe sees taught strategies finally start to "click": taking a break, going to their room to draw, reading, listening to music.
- High school: internal regulation keeps growing past half, but teenagers still meaningfully rely on external regulation.
- Adults: healthy adulthood is never 100% internally regulated. Adults lean on partners, family, friends, routines, and environmental supports; humans are wired to seek connection and co-regulation.

### Co-Regulation & Mirror Neurons

- Chloe's slides quoted clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of [*Good Inside*](https://www.goodinside.com/book/): "Co-regulation is what we do for our children before they can do it for themselves. It's the act of helping them manage their emotions by staying present, calm, and responsive, showing them they are safe, seen, and supported while their big feelings pass."
- Three foundations of co-regulation, as listed on Chloe's slide:
    1. Connection
    2. Safety
    3. Leaning into the child's strengths
- Chloe used **mirror neurons** as a way to picture this: your brain wants to repeat what it sees (the way a yawn across the room makes you yawn). That picture explains why a child's tantrum can pull a caregiver into frustration, and why it works in reverse: a caregiver who stays calm gives the child's nervous system a model of regulation to mirror. **The adult's regulation becomes part of the child's regulation.**

### The Shape of Joy: Five Key Influences

- *The Shape of Joy* outlines five categories of key influences that make each person's nervous-system profile unique, and each category holds both stressors and relievers:
    1. **Basic needs:** how you respond to hunger, sleep, pain
    2. **Sensory input:** how your body processes sound, movement, touch, visual input
    3. **Relationships:** how you prefer to show up in relationships and what you like or dislike in them
    4. **Predictability:** routines, schedules, organization, how you handle changes
    5. **Unique wiring:** personality, temperament, diagnoses, where a child falls with developmental milestones
- Co-regulation starts with knowing **your own** stressors and relievers. The sample parent profile on Chloe's slides: stressors might be less than six hours of sleep, loud or unexpected noises, last-minute plans, disappointing people, disrupted routines, absorbing others' emotions; relievers might be daily movement, quiet car rides, calm music, a few predictable low-maintenance friends, a shared family calendar, routine self-care.
- The same exercise for a child, using the sample child profile on the slides: stressors include hunger ("hangry"), loud or unexpected noises, sharing toys with siblings, disrupted routines, feeling someone is upset with her; relievers include access to snacks through the day, noise-canceling headphones, built-in alone time, visual schedules, and getting to be a helper or leader.
- Knowing her age (low internal-regulation expectations) plus her specific stressors, a full meltdown right after school (hungry, sibling grabs a toy) is predictable, not "bad behavior." The response: validate the emotion, keep words minimal, sit nearby, rub her back if she likes touch, quietly bring a snack, and once she's calming, invite her into a strength ("want to help stir the sauce for dinner?").
- Chloe read a Shape of Joy passage that puts adults inside dysregulation: a chaotic travel day where every stressor stacks up until the parent is crying in the airport. An invalidating response ("you really need to learn how to control your emotions") produces shame and disconnection; a supportive one (taking the bags and kids, naming the absurdity with empathy) provides exactly what a distressed nervous system seeks: **to feel seen and to regain safety through co-regulation with a trusted person.** Children need the same thing.

#### Further reading on the five influences

*Editor's note (FWM, not part of the presentation): the sources below were not cited in the presentation. We added them because each of the five influences rests on a well-established body of research, and we wanted parents to be able to see that foundation for themselves.*

1. **Basic needs:** [Gregory & Sadeh (2012), Sleep, emotional and behavioral difficulties in children and adolescents](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21676633/), the standard review linking sleep to emotional and behavioral regulation; [Khalsa et al. (2018), Interoception and Mental Health: A Roadmap](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6054486/), the formal construct behind how the body senses hunger and pain.
2. **Sensory input:** [Dunn (1997), The impact of sensory processing abilities on the daily lives of young children and their families](https://journals.lww.com/iycjournal/abstract/1997/04000/the_impact_of_sensory_processing_abilities_on_the.5.aspx), the foundational four-pattern model (written at KU Medical Center); [Kilroy, Aziz-Zadeh & Cermak (2019), Ayres Theories of Autism and Sensory Integration Revisited](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6468444/), a modern review of Ayres' sensory integration theory; the origin of the field is Ayres (1972), *Sensory Integration and Learning Disorders* (WPS), and [Metz et al. (2019), Brain Sciences](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6406387/) validates Dunn's model in adults with a good literature overview.
3. **Relationships:** [Murray et al. (2015), Self-Regulation and Toxic Stress: Foundations, OPRE Report 2015-21](https://acf.gov/sites/default/files/documents/report_1_foundations_paper_final_012715_submitted_508_0.pdf), the most rigorous framing of co-regulation; [Report 4 in the same series, Implications for Programs and Practice](https://acf.gov/sites/default/files/documents/acf_report_4_final_rev_11182016_b5082_0.pdf), where the applied caregiver guidance lives.
4. **Predictability:** [Spagnola & Fiese (2007), Family Routines and Rituals](https://journals.lww.com/iycjournal/fulltext/2007/10000/family_routines_and_rituals__a_context_for.2.aspx), on how routines give structure and an emotional climate that supports development; [Steinbrenner, Hume et al. (2020), Evidence-Based Practices for Children, Youth, and Young Adults with Autism (NCAEP)](https://ncaep.fpg.unc.edu/wp-content/uploads/EBP-Report-2020.pdf), the document schools and clinics cite for visual supports, schedules, and structured routines (peer-reviewed version: [Hume et al. (2021), JADD](https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04844-2)).
5. **Unique wiring:** [Thomas & Chess (1977), Temperament and Development](https://books.google.com/books/about/Temperament_and_Development.html?id=telGAAAAMAAJ), origin of the goodness-of-fit concept, which is essentially what Shape of Joy teaches parents to do (journal version: [Chess & Thomas (1977), Temperamental Individuality from Childhood to Adolescence](https://doi.org/10.1016/S0002-7138(09)60038-8)); [Rothbart (2007), Temperament, Development, and Personality](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2007.00505.x), the modern temperament framework, short and readable; [Rothbart & Bates (2007), Temperament, in Handbook of Child Psychology Vol. 3](https://doi.org/10.1002/9780470147658.chpsy0303) is the comprehensive chapter for depth.

Related frameworks families may also encounter: [Zones of Regulation](https://zonesofregulation.com/) (Kuypers, 2011), [Shanker Self-Reg](https://self-reg.ca/), and [Porges (2007), The polyvagal perspective](https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2006.06.009).

### Working Through a Meltdown: The Bedtime Example

- The presentation's teaching scenario: a 3½-year-old is playing; after a warning, a parent says it's time to clean up for bed and starts helping. The child screams, throws toys, hides behind the couch.
- First-glance reactions ("he knows better," "he's not listening," "he's trying to get his way") are ones nearly every parent has had, and Chloe was clear they're completely normal. They just miss what the behavior signals: his nervous system has dropped into the "downstairs brain," and he can't currently access reasoning or flexibility.
- Looking underneath, through the five areas of development:
    - Cognitive: "five more minutes" is still an abstract concept he may not process
    - Language: he lacks flexible language to negotiate ("I'm not finished," "Can I have one more minute?", "Can we save it for tomorrow?"), so he protests instead
    - Social/emotional: sudden loss of control; the fun thing is ending
    - Regulation: he doesn't yet have coping skills for disappointment and abrupt transitions
- Rather than starting with correction ("We do not throw toys" / "Throw that again and I'm taking them away"), start with connection and validation: *"I know. It's so hard to stop playing when you're having fun."* Sit near him, quiet voice, few words, curiosity.
- **"I wonder…" statements** (a tool Chloe and her colleagues use often) give the child language without interrogating or presuming:
    - "I wonder if you weren't finished yet."
    - "I wonder if you wanted one more minute."
    - "I wonder if you had another idea you wanted to add."
- Once he's calmer, teach the replacement skill: "Next time you're not finished, you can tell me 'I'm not done yet'" / "Can we save it until tomorrow?"
- **Co-regulation does not remove the boundary.** He still can't throw toys and still has to get ready for bed. Emotional connection and regulation come first; correction and teaching come after regulation returns, and that's what builds the skill for next time.

### Practical Co-Regulation Strategies

1. **Pause and regulate yourself first:** the most important one, because children mirror the adults around them. Deep breath, drink of water, step away briefly when safe, "tap in / tap out" with another caregiver, know your own triggers.
2. **Use your body as a tool:** body language communicates safety or threat. Standing over a dysregulated child with crossed arms or a pointed finger reads as threat; crouching to eye level, open posture, soft tone and volume make a big difference.
3. **Reduce your words:** long explanations don't help a dysregulated child; teaching and problem-solving can wait until regulation returns.
4. **Incorporate movement:** for kids who respond well to it, organized movement throughout the day is a proactive regulator.
5. **Check basic needs first:** hungry? tired? slept badly? in pain? needs the bathroom?
6. **Validate the emotion:** the feeling is real and valid; validation doesn't mean agreeing with the behavior or moving the boundary.
7. **Create safe, predictable routines:** schedules, consistent expectations, preparing for changes ahead of time, visual supports.
8. **Offer choices when possible:** choices restore an appropriate sense of control.
9. **"Engage, Don't Enrage":** connect in a way that recruits the "upstairs brain" instead of escalating the survival response (from *The Whole-Brain Child*).
10. **"Connect and Redirect":** connect emotionally first, then redirect, problem-solve, teach, and hold limits (from *The Whole-Brain Child*).

#### Further reading: a behavior-analytic lens on the same strategies

*Editor's note (FWM, not part of the presentation): the strategies above line up closely with what current behavior-analytic parent coaching recommends. The notes below add the complementary half of that literature, which looks at what happens after a behavior as well as before it.*

- **What comes after matters too.** Alongside stressors underneath the iceberg, behavior is also shaped by what reliably follows it (extra play time, a delayed cleanup, adult attention, a snack). Both can be true at once: a stressed nervous system, and a response that has worked before. [Carr & Durand (1985), Reducing behavior problems through functional communication training](https://doi.org/10.1901/jaba.1985.18-111); [Hanley (2012), Functional assessment of problem behavior](https://doi.org/10.1007/BF03391818).
- **Timing of comfort and snacks.** Offering the snack before pickup, or at the first calm pause rather than at the peak of a meltdown, and teaching the child to ask for it, keeps the meltdown from being what produces it. [Vollmer et al. (1993), The role of attention in the treatment of attention-maintained self-injurious behavior](https://doi.org/10.1901/jaba.1993.26-9).
- **The replacement phrase has to work sometimes.** "I'm not done yet" or "Can we save it for tomorrow?" will only replace the tantrum if it occasionally buys one more minute or a saved project, with "okay" for the times it can't. [Hanley et al. (2014), Producing meaningful improvements in problem behavior](https://doi.org/10.1002/jaba.106); [Greer et al. (2016), Functional communication training during reinforcement schedule thinning](https://doi.org/10.1002/jaba.265).
- **Advance warnings help many children, not all.** For some, a warning is itself the trigger; watch what happens for your child. [Brewer et al. (2014), Advance notice for transition-related problem behavior: practice guidelines](https://doi.org/10.1007/s40617-014-0014-3); [Wilder et al. (2006), Brief functional analysis and treatment of tantrums associated with transitions](https://doi.org/10.1901/jaba.2006.66-04).
- **Where the two agree.** Regulation before reasoning, fewer words, holding the boundary while staying connected, and offering choices before a demand are all well supported: [Rajaraman et al. (2022), Toward trauma-informed applications of behavior analysis](https://doi.org/10.1002/jaba.881); [Shogren et al. (2004), The effect of choice-making as an intervention for problem behavior: a meta-analysis](https://doi.org/10.1177/10983007040060040401); [Taylor, LeBlanc & Nosik (2019), Compassionate care in behavior analytic treatment](https://doi.org/10.1007/s40617-018-00289-3).

### How Progress Is Measured in OT, Speech & PT

- Playabilities uses **standardized assessments** (sensory processing, fine motor, executive functioning) as a baseline. Standardized tests are administered under strict protocols (that's what makes the scores valid), but a single standardized score doesn't always capture how a child with autism or ADHD functions in everyday settings.
- Evaluations combine standardized assessment with **clinical observation and informal testing**: attention across activities, play skills, social skills, sensory preferences, and barriers to participation. Together these establish **baseline data**, and goals are written from that baseline.
- Example OT goal, cutting: at evaluation, a child who can snip but not yet cut across a four-inch line needs **maximum physical assistance**. Each session, the therapist scores the level of support needed: maximum assistance → moderate → minimum → verbal cues only → independent, so progress is recorded and graphed over time.
- Goals are written in measurable **SMART** format (percentage of success, amount of assistance, device or adaptation used, target date), a format that parallels how goals are commonly tracked in other therapy disciplines, including ABA.
- Parents can see progress notes, goals, and graphs against baseline in Playabilities' **parent portal**.
- On therapy **frequency**: the plan of care is built around a recommended frequency, so if the schedule isn't working for your family, Chloe encouraged raising it with the therapist so the plan can be reassessed together. Confirm insurance specifics with your clinic's billing team and your insurer.
- **On progress over time:** Chloe encouraged families to bring any concerns about progress directly to their therapist.

### Q&A Highlights

- **Constant snack access?** It isn't for every child; it's for kids whose regulation depends on not getting hungry. At school, start by talking with the teacher. Schools have food and allergy policies the school team will weigh, and if it's an ongoing need, the school team can explain how it would be documented.
- **Chewing gum?** Oral sensory input can be highly regulating for children who seek it, but gum is a choking hazard and isn't the right form for every child, especially younger children or any child with a history of feeding or swallowing difficulty. Check with your child's OT or SLP first; chewable tools designed for the purpose are often the safer starting point.
- **OT, speech, and PT training:** the three are separate degrees, each with its own coursework and scope of practice, with some shared foundations. Because Playabilities is an integrated clinic, the disciplines work side-by-side and learn from each other constantly.
- **Interdisciplinary communication:** when a child's providers (OT, speech, ABA, and others) communicate, it pays off: coordinated goals, goals that reinforce each other, and caregivers who understand what each provider is targeting. (Ask each of your child's providers what consent they need on file to coordinate.)

### RUBI Parent Training (community resource)

- The [RUBI Autism Network](https://www.rubinetwork.org/) offers evidence-based caregiver training for families of children with autism, focused on behavioral interventions.
- The format described at the session: about 11 weekly one-hour virtual sessions with caregiver-education modules and a workbook, offered periodically through Children's Mercy's [RUBI Autism Parent Coaching Program](https://www.childrensmercy.org/departments-and-clinics/developmental-and-behavioral-health/autism-clinic/rubi-autism-parent-coaching-program/), at no charge as described at the time; confirm current cost and enrollment with Children's Mercy. There is also a "RUBI in schools" model for training school personnel and paraprofessionals.

### Playabilities Services

- [Playabilities](https://playabilities.org/) offers [occupational therapy](https://playabilities.org/services/pediatric-occupational-therapy-in-kansas-city/), [speech therapy](https://playabilities.org/services/speech-therapy-in-kansas-city/), and [physical therapy](https://playabilities.org/services/pediatric-physical-therapy-in-kansas-city/) (plus [feeding therapy](https://playabilities.org/services/feeding-therapy-in-kansas-city/)) as an integrated pediatric clinic.
- Chloe brought one-page handouts on what occupational therapy and speech therapy look like at Playabilities; both are attached below (`What-is-Occupational-Therapy.pdf` and `What-is-Speech-Therapy.pdf`). OT covers sensory regulation, motor skills, daily routines, play/social participation, and environmental supports; speech covers articulation, expressive and receptive language, social pragmatic language, and oral motor/feeding.

### The Shape of Joy Online Course

- Kelly Reardon's **Shape of Joy** caregiver course is an online course (about two hours) that goes deeper on emotional regulation, stressors and relievers, and the concepts from this session: [The Shape of Joy online course](https://www.theshapeofjoy.com/) (the promo code is entered on the "Take the Course" signup page)
- [Email me](/about/#get-in-touch) for the promo code that Chloe provided to the group.
- The one-page course overview Chloe handed out is attached below (`The-Shape-of-Joy-Handout.pdf`). It covers the foundations of neuroaffirming care, the 5 key influences on a child's nervous system, capacity zones, and what the course includes (video lessons, a downloadable handbook, and real-life examples).

### Books Mentioned by Speaker

- [*The Whole-Brain Child*](https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/) by Dr. Dan Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. Chloe suggested it as the most accessible starting point. Source of "upstairs/downstairs brain," "Engage, Don't Enrage," and "Connect and Redirect."
- [*Good Inside*](https://www.goodinside.com/book/) by Dr. Becky Kennedy. Connection, safety, and strengths-based co-regulation.
- [*No-Drama Discipline*](https://drdansiegel.com/book/no-drama-discipline/) by Dr. Dan Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.
- [*Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors*](https://robyngobbel.com/books/) by Robyn Gobbel.
- [*The Shape of Joy*](https://www.theshapeofjoy.com/) by Kelly Reardon / Playabilities: the parent resource and caregiver course referenced throughout the talk (see the promo code note above).

### Books Mentioned by Others During Q&A

These cover the complementary question of what to teach and reinforce once a child is calm.

- [*Parent Training for Disruptive Behavior: The RUBI Autism Network, Parent Workbook*](https://academic.oup.com/book/28745) by Karen Bearss, Cynthia Johnson, Benjamin Handen, and colleagues (Oxford University Press, 2018). The workbook used in the RUBI program listed above, for families who want the material without waiting for a cohort.
- [*Optimistic Parenting: Hope and Help for You and Your Challenging Child*](https://digitalcommons.usf.edu/books/40/) by V. Mark Durand (Brookes, 2011). Written for parents of children with disabilities by a co-author of the original functional communication training research: figuring out what a behavior is for, teaching a replacement, and managing the parent's own self-talk.
- [*Functional Behavior Assessment for People with Autism: Making Sense of Seemingly Senseless Behavior*](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1606132040) by Beth Glasberg and Robert LaRue (Woodbine House, 2nd ed., 2015). A plain-language guide to observing patterns, forming a hypothesis about why a behavior happens, and testing it before intervening.
- [*The Power of Positive Parenting*](https://archive.org/details/powerofpositivep00lath) by Glenn Latham (1994). A short, practical book on the reinforcement side: catching the child being good, ignoring minor misbehavior, staying calm and consistent. Free to borrow from the Internet Archive.
- [Practical Functional Assessment](https://practicalfunctionalassessment.com/), Gregory Hanley's site, with free parent-facing videos and articles on skill-based treatment: teaching a request like "I'm not done yet," honoring it, then teaching tolerance for "not right now."

### Key Takeaways

- **Behavior is communication.** What we see externally may be the final result of many internal stressors.
- **Regulation comes before reasoning.** A dysregulated child doesn't have meaningful access to logic, flexibility, or problem-solving.
- **Connection doesn't eliminate boundaries.** You can validate emotions and keep expectations.
- **Children rely on external regulation longer than most adults expect,** teenagers included.
- **Caregiver regulation matters.** A calm adult nervous system is the bridge that helps a child's nervous system find its way back.
- **Know your child's unique wiring:** stressors, relievers, sensory preferences, basic needs, relationship needs, need for predictability.
- **Replace "How do I stop this behavior?" with "What is this behavior telling me?"**

### References

References cited in the presentation (links added by FWM):

- [Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2025). CDC's Developmental Milestones. "Learn the Signs. Act Early." US Department of Health and Human Services.](https://www.cdc.gov/act-early/milestones/index.html)
- [Reardon, K. (2024). *The Shape of Joy*.](https://www.theshapeofjoy.com/)
- [STAR Institute (2024). *Foundations of Development*, professional training course. STAR Institute for Sensory Processing.](https://sensoryhealth.org/basic/foundations-of-development-course-sensory-processing-regulation-and-relationship)
- [Kennedy, B. (2022). *Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be*. HarperCollins.](https://www.goodinside.com/book/)
- [Siegel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2011). *The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind*. Bantam Books.](https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/)

## Attachments

- `Slides.pdf` - Chloe's presentation slides, "Foundations of Connection: Understanding Behavior, Communication, and Development"
- `emotional-regulation-by-age.png` - the four internal-vs-external regulation pie graphs by age band (Source: Foundations of Development course, STAR Institute, 2024; shared with permission)
- `What-is-Occupational-Therapy.pdf` - Playabilities one-page handout: what OT is and how it can support your child
- `What-is-Speech-Therapy.pdf` - Playabilities one-page handout: what speech therapy is and how it can support your child
- `The-Shape-of-Joy-Handout.pdf` - one-page overview of Kelly Reardon's Shape of Joy online course (what you'll learn, who it's for, what's included)