---
date: "2026-10-18"
speaker: "Kana Love, LCPC, M.S."
organization: "Director of Clinical Training, KidsTLC"
topic: "When Every Child Needs You: Strengthening Parent-Child & Sibling Relationships"
blurb: "Kana Love, LCPC, M.S., Director of Clinical Training at KidsTLC in Olathe, walks through an attachment-based approach to family life: the family as a system, \"more needs ≠ more worth,\" behavior as communication, connection before correction (PACE), boundaries without shame, holding two feelings at once, protecting siblings from parentification, and repair."
---

# Kana Love - When Every Child Needs You: Strengthening Parent-Child & Sibling Relationships

**Date:** 2026-10-18
**Organization:** Director of Clinical Training, KidsTLC

> Kana Love, LCPC, M.S., is the Director of Clinical Training at [KidsTLC](https://www.kidstlc.org/) in Olathe, Kansas, where she has served since 2016 and leads clinical training for the therapists in the residential treatment program. Her areas of expertise include complex trauma and attachment, parent-child relationships, mental wellness, and cultural belonging. Her presentation, "When Every Child Needs You: Strengthening Parent-Child & Sibling Relationships," drew on neuroscience and attachment theory to show how connection, curiosity, empathy, boundaries, accountability, and repair can strengthen relationships across the whole family, with special attention to the often-unspoken experience of siblings.

*These are FWM's notes summarizing Kana's presentation for educational purposes. Any errors are ours, not hers. Kana spoke in a general educational capacity; her personal reflections and family examples are her own and do not represent KidsTLC. These notes are not medical, therapeutic, educational, legal, or insurance advice, nor an endorsement of any provider, clinic, product, or program; talk with your child's own providers about what fits your child, and contact KidsTLC directly for current program details and eligibility. Questions from the session are summarized without attribution and with identifying details removed. Kana's handout and reflection sheet are attached below and are shared with her permission.*

## Notes from October 18th - Kana Love - When Every Child Needs You

### About KidsTLC

- [KidsTLC](https://www.kidstlc.org/) is a nonprofit children's behavioral health agency in Olathe, Kansas (480 S. Rogers Rd.). Kana highlighted several of its programs (see kidstlc.org for a current list):
    - [Lotus Clinics](https://www.kidstlc.org/services/outpatient/): traditional outpatient individual and family therapy plus an [intensive outpatient program](https://www.kidstlc.org/services/intensive-outpatient-program/). Medication management is offered in the same building, which makes it easier for therapy and psychiatric care to coordinate.
    - [Thrive planned respite](https://www.kidstlc.org/services/support-and-respite/) (main campus): weekend stays, Friday night through Sunday night, one of KidsTLC's newer programs. The program is equipped to support children with significant behavioral health needs, including children stepping down from residential care. Access is through referral partners such as a community mental health center (Kana mentioned [Johnson County Mental Health Center](https://www.jocogov.org/department/mental-health) for Johnson County families) or a foster care agency; the respite team screens each child individually. Contact KidsTLC for current eligibility and payment details.
    - [Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility (PRTF)](https://www.kidstlc.org/services/psychiatric-residential-treatment-facility-prtf/): the program Kana works with most closely. Children live on campus with 24/7 care, typically for several months, with length of stay individualized to the child's treatment needs. The program serves children in foster care, adopted children, and children in their parents' custody whose safety needs can't currently be met at home or in the community; admission requires a clinical screening. The work centers on safety and on getting at the root of behavior, often complex developmental trauma.
        - Kana described realistic goals: not a "miracle" transformation, but a child who returns home able to engage in outpatient therapy and stay safe with their family while continuing to heal. "It takes the whole family." Family therapy and parent groups are built into treatment, and the campus has family suites so parents can stay overnight and do therapeutic work with their child.
        - Students attend school on campus through a partnership with Olathe Public Schools, which operates the [Claire Learning Center](https://www.olatheschools.org/academics/support-programs/claire-learning-center) there.
        - The daily rhythm includes school, therapeutic groups, recreation, and a daily "community meeting" where kids talk through what they learned, what the plan is, and what hurts need repair. Enrichment includes life skills, music and art, equine activities, and sports clubs. "We try to bring as much normal to these kids as we can."
        - Kana's clinical work draws heavily on [Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy](https://ddpnetwork.org/), Dr. Dan Hughes' attachment-based therapy (more below).
    - [Trellis Center](https://www.kidstlc.org/services/autism/): integrative autism services on the main campus, including ABA, speech, OT, and assessments, during the day for younger children and after school for others. Kana noted that many ABA-based autism programs are built around early intervention and often end in the preteen years, so ask providers about the age ranges they serve.
- KidsTLC also has volunteer and partnership opportunities; see [kidstlc.org](https://www.kidstlc.org/) for details.

### About Kana

- Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a Master's in Counseling Psychology and a Master's in Developmental Psychology. About ten years in the field. Reactive attachment and developmental trauma are her "wheelhouse."
- A wife and mom of three. She said working at KidsTLC has made her a better parent, and that being intentional about leaving work at work and being fully present at home is a discipline she keeps practicing.

### The Family System: Balancing Needs

- Children thrive when they feel seen, heard, and valued, and balancing the unique needs of everyone in a family, especially when one child has additional needs, is genuinely hard. "Sometimes we just don't hit the mark."
- You do not have to respond to your child 100% of the time, and you can't. Kana cited research suggesting that responding roughly 65 to 70% of the time is enough for a secure attachment. Anxious and avoidant attachment patterns are common and not a cause for alarm; the more serious patterns clinicians worry about (disorganized attachment, reactive attachment disorder) are most often linked to early adversity such as trauma or disrupted care, and are not a verdict on current caregivers. "I'm certain you guys are doing the best that you can, and that is enough."
- Reframe the question. Instead of "How do I give every child exactly the same thing?" ask "How do I help every child experience that they matter?" (Reflection verse: [Romans 12:10](https://bible.usccb.org/bible/romans/12?10).)
- Group reflection: what helps you feel seen? Answers included attention, people following through on what they say, faith (knowing you matter to God), quiet time and low stimulation, a hug, a weighted blanket, and loud music. Kana's point: every person in the family has different regulation needs, it took each of us years to learn our own, and our kids need help learning theirs.
- The family is a system, not a collection of individuals (Salvador Minuchin, [structural family therapy](https://www.hup.harvard.edu/books/9780674292369)). Parents sit at the top of the hierarchy and influence the children, but the line runs both ways: a child having a hard time stresses the parents too. An outer ring of external influences (money, the economy, extended family, neighbors) presses on the whole system.

### More Needs ≠ More Worth

- More support does not mean more worth, and equal does not mean identical. We know this, but when one child gets more time, more appointments, or more sensory tools, it can start to feel (to the parent and to the siblings) as if that child is worth more.
- Kids need honest, developmentally appropriate explanations: "This is what your sibling needs, and you have the things that are unique to you." A five-year-old and a nine-year-old get different versions, but each child gets an explanation they can understand.
- Q&A on classrooms where some students receive extra accommodations: the same principle applies. Kana noted that when the reasons aren't explained, other kids may conclude that struggling is how you get the "extra thing," which makes sense from their point of view; honest, upfront communication is the answer.
- Siblings are naturally going to wrestle with polarized feelings. Kana's examples, which parents can help normalize:
    - "I love my sibling AND I'm angry with them" (it's the fifth night in a row I can't get help with my math homework).
    - "I'm protective AND I'm resentful."
    - "I understand AND I wish things were different."
- Adults have these same feelings, along with parent guilt about the children who seem to be doing fine.

### Getting Underneath Behavior

- Behavior is communication. Move from "How do I stop this behavior?" to "What might this be communicating?" This is the same question ABA's ABC data collection (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence) is built to answer: what happened right before, and what the behavior got the child; see the [Nichole Sagar ABA session](/sessions/20231119_Nichole_Sagar_ABA/) and the [ABA Therapy resources](/resources/#aba-therapy-what-it-is).
- Externalizing behavior (hitting, yelling, arguing) is loud and gets our attention. Internalizing behavior (withdrawing, refusing, exhaustion) is quiet, and we tend to assume the quiet kid is "handling it like a champ." Both kids need us; the skill is learning to check in with the internalizer too. Kana shared that she has had to practice checking in on a quieter child of her own, because sometimes that child is harboring something.
- The iceberg: what is under the water might be dysregulation, overwhelm, feeling unseen, or resentment toward a sibling. The handout lists what behavior may be saying: "I'm overwhelmed." "I need connection." "This feels unfair." "I don't know how to handle this." "Do I matter too?" "I need help."
- Q&A on a child who hits a sibling "for no reason": Kana pushed gently on "no reason." Possible reasons include impulse control, wanting a reaction, wanting attention, and payback, and we may never solve the mystery. The practical move is to stay curious in the moment and pair it with a feeling: "What happened there? I wonder if you're feeling mad." If the child says they were joking, you can shape how we joke appropriately; if they were mad, you can teach a healthy way to handle anger. Kids are always building the capacity for impulse control and regulation, so connecting behavior to an emotion and modeling healthy expression is the work.

### Connection Before Correction

- The question shifts from "How do I make my child stop being dysregulated?" to "What does my child need from me in this moment to become more regulated?" Children are still developing the capacity to integrate emotions, thoughts, impulses, and behavior; rather than expecting executive-level regulation, parents help them name, understand, and move through emotions *with* them.
- Connection and correction are "the two hands." Correction is equally important; it's the order that matters. Kana's own script: "Kiddo, I see that you're mad. It's okay to be mad. You're not going to hit. And you're losing tablet time tonight because you hit." Firm and connected, instead of going straight to "you're losing all your privileges, I'm over it."
- Kana said connection before correction is a core practice in her work at KidsTLC. Every child, and really every person, needs safe adults who will be curious with them about what's going on inside.

#### PACE

- PACE comes from Dr. Dan Hughes' [Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy](https://ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/) (slide citation: Hughes & Golding, 2024, [*Healing Relational Trauma Workbook: Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy in Practice*](https://wwnorton.com/books/9781324030584)). It is a way of being with kids, not a sequence: the four letters are not steps to work through in order, and you can lead with whichever one the moment calls for. Kana uses it at home. The slide's summary line: "I am with you while we work through this."
    - **Accepting:** acknowledging and embracing the full range of a child's thoughts and emotions, and who they are as a person. "I can see that you're mad, and I can accept that."
    - **Curious:** active, nonjudgmental openness to and interest in the child's experience. Diving into each child's world (toy cars, dancing, sports) is curiosity, and it is also what "special time" can look like.
    - **Empathic:** experiencing the emotion with the child, positive or negative. Tears, leaning in, a hug.
    - **Playful:** not just jokes and games, but shared joy. With a baby it is cooing and laughing. The question is "How do I get my kid to experience joy with me?"
- Kana's aside: try PACE in any relationship. "Who doesn't want to be accepted, to feel empathy, to have someone be curious about them, and to experience joy with them?"
- Q&A: a good way to get a child to share feelings? Lean into curiosity: "What's going on?" or "What happened?" Kana strongly affirmed the habit of asking your kids questions at bedtime, whether it's the same stock list every night (What made you happy today? Were you kind to somebody today?) or whatever comes to mind in the moment. Either way you are helping them reflect on their day and getting them in tune with their emotions, whether you think you are or not. It doesn't have to be a therapy session.

#### Special time, realistically

- Kana recommends special time with each child, but one-on-one time is not always realistic, and if every child gets five to ten minutes on top of dinner, baths, and bedtime, there is no time left for you. "Special" doesn't have to mean one-on-one: everyone in the same room, each doing what they love, with you present and engaged, is a circle of connection where everyone influences everyone.
- Bring kids into what you are already doing. Kana admitted this was hard for her (she is particular about her kitchen and laundry), but her kids now help cook and start loads of laundry. "What am I teaching them? That is more valuable than cleaning flour off the floor."

### Boundaries Without Shame

- Good inside ≠ good behavior. Children can be fundamentally good and still make poor choices. A child's behavior, good or bad, does not determine their worth, and we need to teach our children that. (Slide citation: Kennedy, 2022, [*Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be*](https://www.goodinside.com/book/).)
- Instead of communicating "you are bad," stay firm and connected: not permissive, not punitive, not shaming, not emotionally detached. We validate feelings while setting limits on problem behavior. Handout scripts: "You can be angry. You cannot hit." "It's okay to disagree with me. It is not okay to hurt someone."
- Language Kana loved: "You aren't a bad person. You made a bad choice." Kana often asks her kids, "Do you think that's a good choice? How is that going to affect your sibling?"
- Raising children with theory of mind, the awareness that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that deserve respect, is a big part of this: not shaming them, but helping them reflect on how their choices land on others.

### Sibling Dynamics

- A connection-based approach communicates empathy and acceptance to each child, and lets parents normalize polarized feelings so a child can say "I love my sibling AND I'm angry with them right now" and know both are okay. (Slide citation: Brown, 2004. Kana confirmed this is [Brené Brown](https://brenebrown.com/)'s work; her 2004 book is *Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connection*. Brené Brown's [books](https://brenebrown.com/books-audio/) and [research](https://brenebrown.com/the-research/) are on her site.)
- Kids have a hard time holding two opposing experiences at once; they feel like they have to pick one (adults can get black-and-white too). Working the exercise with them after big moments teaches them they can hold both and that mom or dad will hear them.
- Q&A on debriefing with siblings after a frightening, loud episode: Kana affirmed a debrief along the lines of "Let's remember why that happened. Do you have anything you want to say to me? Nothing's going to hurt. We love him, and it was also scary and loud." If a sibling says "I didn't like it," agreeing ("I didn't like it either, and we love him") is exactly right. Siblings need to know they can say a hard moment was hard.
- The handout's list of what a sibling can feel while still loving their brother or sister: worried, jealous, protective, angry, guilty, embarrassed, lonely, resentful, proud, overlooked. "Two things can be true at the same time."

### Supporting Sibling Relationships

- Don't aim for "equal"; aim for "Does each child know that they matter here?" *Equity + Connection = Seen & Valued.*
- **Parent + child:** give each child their own relationship with you (one-on-one or in the group, as above).
- **Permission to feel:** everyone in the household gets permission to have hard feelings ([Ecclesiastes 3:4](https://bible.usccb.org/bible/ecclesiastes/3?4)). Some of us were raised to keep emotions under wraps, but we are made to feel joy and sadness. You can feel what you feel; you just can't take it out on everyone.
- **Child + sibling:** protect the sibling relationship by fostering connection, not caretaking. Don't let the older child become parentified or feel responsible for their siblings or the house. It is easy to slip into, and some kids want to do it; Kana's daily script is "That's not your job. Let parents know."
    - What counts as parentification: being responsible for siblings' safety, for money, or for the everyday functioning of the household (fixing breakfast for siblings every day, being told about the bills). Kana's example of the line: "If you happen to see your brother climbing the bunk bed, come tell me and we'll deal with it. It's not your job to manage it."
    - What doesn't: age-appropriate jobs and leadership roles. A good example of what is okay, and not parentification: giving each child, even the youngest, small jobs (round up your siblings, it's time to go; help a sibling get ready), rotated among all the kids so no one feels in charge. Kana said that is totally appropriate and builds follow-through.
- Handout list of what siblings need: individual time with parents, permission to have their own identity, space to express difficult feelings, opportunities to simply be siblings, freedom from adult responsibilities, and recognition for who they are, not only what they do.
- Q&A on building a relationship between two siblings who don't naturally connect: Kana affirmed being clear about family expectations ("this is your brother and this is how we roll as a family") and suggested capitalizing on shared interests, getting a little creative as parents: a new Lego set, a family build challenge. Kids are going to butt heads at certain ages; help them get into each other's world.

### Repair

- The myth: "Good parents don't mess up." The reality: "Healthy parenting includes repair." ([James 5:16](https://bible.usccb.org/bible/james/5?16), [Ephesians 4:32](https://bible.usccb.org/bible/ephesians/4?32).)
- Connection and repair lead with accountability. When adults acknowledge losing patience, yelling, missing something, overreacting, or forgetting, forgiveness and connection are cultivated. The question becomes "What can I do next?" rather than "Did I mess up?"
- Kana: "I raised my voice right there. I'm sorry." Do it enough and your kids start doing the same, because they learn the adults in this house take accountability, and "what I did was a bad choice, and I can make it right." The relationship comes first, and when things go wrong (they will) you repair. A healthy parent is not a perfect one.
- Handout's five repair steps: name what happened, take responsibility for your part, listen to your child's experience, reconnect, try again.
- Kana suggested that even adults who didn't grow up seeing repair can practice it now for the sake of their families and learn it themselves: watch it modeled, notice how much the kids' trust grows when you try it, and lean on your own support (therapy, mentors, a faith community, peers who model the emotional side of things). Getting to the bottom of *why* it feels hard (pride, "my kids need to know I'm right") informs the next step.

### Discussion & Resources from the Q&A

- **Sibling programs:** Q&A on whether KidsTLC or anyone locally runs a program for siblings of kids with special needs. Kana wasn't aware of a dedicated local program. Her developmental take: at elementary age, parent support, and individual therapy when needed, matter most; peer support becomes most influential in the pre-teen and teen years. For teens she mentioned:
    - [Fight Club](https://fightclub-us.com/), a teen peer program (not sibling-specific) that runs confidential, in-person groups for boys and for girls in some local schools, including Olathe and Blue Valley; KidsTLC is a partner.
    - Other youth mentoring options (not sibling-specific): [Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Kansas City](https://bbbskc.org/) and [Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Kansas City](https://www.bgc-gkc.org/).
    - The group discussed interest in starting a local sibling group; Kana said finding someone willing to get it off the ground is the key piece.
- **School supports when a child is behind academically:** Kana suggested asking your district what specialized programs it offers (she mentioned Blue Valley's [GEAR program](https://www.bluevalleyk12.org/programs/sped/gear), a K-12 special education placement decided by the IEP team) and noted she is not an educator and can't make specific recommendations. She reminded parents that a child with an IEP can have an IEP meeting requested at any time if services need review or adjustment. She did not know of insurance coverage for private academic tutoring.
- **Continuous improvement:** on academic gaps, Kana said children are resilient and the brain keeps developing and adapting throughout childhood (neuroplasticity), so continued support can make a real difference.
- **Friendships:** we can't protect our kids from the whole world; our job is to help them navigate friendships and teach them what a good friend looks like.
- **Parent support within treatment:** KidsTLC's residential treatment program includes parent groups and family therapy for families of enrolled children. It is a treatment program, not respite, and admission requires a clinical screening.
- **Books and authors Kana drew on** (also on the back of the handout):
    - Dr. Becky Kennedy, [Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be](https://www.goodinside.com/) and the Good Inside podcast. Kana described her as relatable and not dense, and noted the podcast brings on specialists. Good Inside also has resources on sibling conflict as an opportunity to build relationship and conflict-resolution skills.
    - Dr. Dan Hughes, Building the Bonds of Attachment and the [PACE resources](https://ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/).
    - Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, [The Whole-Brain Child](https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/), No-Drama Discipline, and The Power of Showing Up (more neuroscience-focused, for readers who want that).
    - [Brené Brown](https://brenebrown.com/), The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, and Atlas of the Heart, on vulnerability, shame, empathy, courage, accountability, and belonging.
- Dan Siegel and Becky Kennedy have now been cited by several recent FWM speakers (see the [Chloe Strohm session](/sessions/20260920_Chloe_Strohm_Emotional_Regulation/)).

### Five Questions to Try This Week (from the handout)

1. What might my child's behavior be communicating?
2. What does my child need from me right now: connection, regulation, a boundary, or all three?
3. Does each of my children have time with me that isn't about problems, appointments, school, or siblings?
4. Am I asking one child to carry a responsibility that belongs to me?
5. Is there a relationship in my family that could benefit from repair?

**Key takeaway:** Children don't need perfect parents. They need parents who are willing to notice, connect, understand, set boundaries, repair, and try again.

## Attachments

- `Handout-When-Every-Child-Needs-You.pdf` - Kana's four-page handout: session description and learning objectives, the Curiosity / Connection / Boundary / Repair framework with scripts, "When One Child Needs More," "Remember the Siblings," five questions to try this week, a one-small-step worksheet, and the resource list (Siegel & Bryson, Kennedy, Hughes, Brown)
- `Parent-Reflection-Sheet.pdf` - "Does My Child Know They Matter?" reflection prompts for each individual child and for siblings, for use alone or in a small group